Lone Journey

  Some things are more difficult to write about than others; it is extremely difficult to write about emotional pain and trauma when I am going through it. It is traumatic to face the end of a relationship that was supposed to last a lifetime, and especially because of my strong conviction that marriage is ordained by God, and never to be taken lightly. I am a very private person and writing about something so intensely personal as the breakup of my marriage is something I have avoided. Yet, it has been part of my journey. One thing that I have learned as a result of the break up is that nothing last forever. This is not to say that some marriages don’t last a lifetime; but in the sense that when something that is expected to last a lifetime doesn’t, it isn’t the institution itself that is to blame; it has more to do with the parties involved .
When extricating myself from my marriage of twenty-four years, I learned I would have to drive 600 miles round trip to appear in divorce court. For some this may not be a significant feat; but for me, someone who hates driving and following road signs and GPSs, this was a herculean task. When my relatives heard that I might have to make this trip alone, everyone told me, mother included, “please don’t go alone,” she said. “Take someone with you.” So I embarked upon my search to find the perfect person to accompany me to sever my marital ties.Deborah, my friend of over twenty-five years said, I will let you know as soon as I settle some financial matters and other business. I thought to myself, this isn’t looking good. I felt that if her going with me was a sure thing, she would have known from the moment I asked her. My next approach was a new friend, Sarah, who even though I hadn’t known her long said, “Oh, it’s no big deal for me to drive with you, I just have to make sure I can take off work that day.” I thought, I can’t ask someone I’ve known such a short period of time to do something for me of this magnitude.
My final thought was to ask a sister from a church I’d attended in the past if she could go with me, but with
her it was no deal because she had a prior commitment that day. The day was quickly approaching and I decided to attend a home Bible study and see if one of the ladies in the study would be willing to go with me. No luck there; I realized I don’t know any of these people that well either; and especially to ask them to go with me at the last minute to drive somewhere three states away. The best they did for me was to pray, and I needed plenty of that for sure!
As the day for the trip grew closer I began to accept the thought that just maybe God wanted me to go alone; why, I had no idea. My line of thinking was this; well Lord you know I have never driven this far, and you know something might happen with the car, and what if I get too sleepy, and the list just went on and on. I was consciously listing the multitude of “reasons” why I shouldn’t attempt such a thing. Oh yes, my family even threw in the fact that “well you know you an your soon to be ex aren’t exactly on speaking terms with each other.” “If you go on this trip alone, he might try to harm you in some way.”The fear factor was becoming ever present.
On the night before the trip, a certain calm came over me. It was as though Jesus had said, “peace, be still.”
He reassured me, “Joan, I’ve got your back on this one too.” He let me know in that way, that he always does quietly and so steadfastly, “there is nothing you can not do with my help.”Once again the scripture, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” began resonating in my spirit.
My state of mind in my marriage for too long was I need someone else to do so many things for me. I had come to rely on my spouse far too much, which in many ways crippled my growth and maturity. Even though married people should be able to rely on each other in some instances, but in my case the reliance had become crippling.
There were so many things I learned from making this trip alone. I think the most important lesson was that God enables us to do things that we may think are not possible in our own strength. All my life I lived my life on others’ terms: in my teens it was my mother’s or peers. As a young adult it was my husband’s and the church’s. I had strode through life on the caprices of what others expected of me; not on what I expected or even wanted for myself. My journey alone to divorce my ex-husband was the beginning of me initiating living life on mine and God’s terms. I put great importance on God’s role in this because it has never been God’s will for anyone to be crippled or hindered by anyone.
I am still on my journey, since my marriage ended I have said to many along the way, “I will find my own way.”
Because I still am confronted with people who want tho minimize my demand to become what God intended me to be. I am still faced with having to remove people from my life who refuse to see that I am unique and special and not someone to kick around with when you have the time. Sometimes we form cocoons around ourselves not only in order to protect ourselves; but that become prisons to us. Instead of the cocoon becoming a place where we receive nourishment and growth it becomes an incubator that stifles.
May God continue to be with me and all those who need to find their way along their own journey.

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3 thoughts on “Lone Journey

  1. At least once I’ve questioned myself if I should post what I went through. Then I thought, surely others with brain injuries have been suicidal. I want them to have hope after the darkest moment. So I say to you, yes Somethings are very difficult to write about. but in doing so, it’s healing to yourself and can help others. Thank you for choosing to write and share this post.

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